Somebody Call Carl Monday, STAT!

There is a problem at Tufts University, and that problem—in the words of the immortal investigative reporter Carl Monday—is people in the library having sex with themselves.

In a story today headlined, “Public masturbation a persistent problem at Tisch Library,” the Tufts Daily reported that at least four female students have alleged to have seen “a dark-skinned, disheveled man with dark hair” sitting down near them and pleasuring himself.

The graphic details:

Then-freshman Patty Pensuwan was studying at a table in the library’s basement last April when a stranger sat down diagonally across from her. She said he had a book with him.

“I started hearing this scratching noise every three seconds or so – it sounded like a pencil or something – and I looked up and he was scratching himself down there,” she said.

Pensuwan said that as soon as she stood up and began packing up her things, the suspect left. He put the book he was holding back on a shelf near her.

“I went back to the place where he had put the book back, and it was just a random list of American professors,” Pensuwan said. “It was just an obscure research encyclopedia, so it was obvious he wasn’t reading it.”

Ok, so for hygienic reasons, we might not have gone and checked what book he was using, but we thank Ms. Pensuwan for her service. Now that we have a lead on this man, it’s time to release the hounds of hell and fury known as Carl Monday. Not only will he bring this scumbag down, but he’ll embarrass him in front of his parents. And then we shall all rejoice, for there will be justice.

Carl Monday photo from Cleveland Scene.