How Not to Celebrate Valentine’s Day
Valentine’s Day draws nigh, and as is befitting any fake holiday that feeds into everyone’s worst insecurities, people have been making some bad decisions. Herein are some of the most notable things we’ve learned not to do on February 14, rounded up from around the Boston web:
1. Don’t get your significant other an E-Z Pass transponder. See the above photo. We’re all for practical gifts, but there’s got to be some zip to it. Think: a nice power tool, or a sexy kitchen stand mixer. If you get a E-Z Pass transponder, as the Massachusetts Department of Transportation recommends, it better come alongside a sexy vacation that requires going through some tolls. Or at least throw in one of those fake tree air fresheners for the rearview mirror.
2. Don’t send someone a gift-wrapped package with $10,000 of meth. And definitely don’t get caught, because it won’t end well for your special someone. That’s what Chelsea’s Lawrence Ligocki, 63, learned this week when investigators found the crystal methamphetamine being shipped to his home in a Valentine’s Day-themed package. “Inside the package, police found several heart-shaped Whitman’s Sampler chocolate boxes and a stuffed teddy bear,” CBS Boston reports. “Inside the bear, police found three bags of Crystal Meth.” Nothing says I love you like a Schedule I drug trafficking indictment!
3. Don’t go out on a date with these guys. A Redditor found what is certainly this V-Day’s most entertaining personal ad on the Boston Craigslist. It is allegedly posted by two men visiting Boston this week and looking for two women to join them on Friday night. Their pitch gets off on a weird note by urging Boston’s women to “Leave that ice cream in the freezer and return all those depressing Romance chic-flic movies that you rented two weeks ago in preparation for the annual river of tears marathon.” Instead, these single women should find another single female friend and apply to be these guys’ dates. (Nothing gets a lady excited for a date like filling out an application for it.) The dudes are from out of town so as a bonus, you can abandon any hope of continuing the relationship. But that’s okay, because they also note that in addition to being successful, they do “not have wrinkly balls.” And you probably didn’t want to settle down with someone who puts that in their pitch, did you?
4. Don’t steal your significant other a Justin Bieber Valentine. This one’s a lesson we learned last year when a Grafton man was arrested for shoplifting Justin Bieber Valentines from a local Target. Not only is this massively embarrassing, it would also be a terrible gift. Everyone knows you go for the Jonas Brothers Valentines. Rookie.