Happy Birthday Matt Damon! You’re Officially an Awkward Dad
First off, happy birthday Matt Damon!
You’re 45 years old today, and fans across the world continue to applaud all the great work you’ve done since your breakout role as the brilliant Will Hunting in 1997’s Good Will Hunting.
While your most recent starring role in The Martian proves you’re still a powerhouse at the box office, and the upcoming Bourne sequel shows you can still kick people’s butts on screen, that doesn’t mean you can escape the inevitable: you’re officially an awkward dad.
Don’t believe us? Well, if this recent press tour is any indication, you’re already well on your way to becoming a crotchety, bad-joke telling old man whose kids just shake their heads at him every time he tells an inappropriate story at Thanksgiving dinner.
Here are a few reasons why you’re in optimal, awkward dad mode.
You Tell Your Kids How Cool You Were
Moviegoers may think you’re still a Hollywood hotshot and you may have briefly swooned people with that ponytail, however, no matter how hard you try, your kids will never think you’re that cool. You even said so yourself!
“I try to tell them [how cool I am],” you told Entertainment Tonight last month. “My wife doesn’t really even get that either. But that’s alright. I’ll keep them around.”
By trying to tell your kids how cool you
are used to be, it comes across like the many middle-aged dads across America who wax poetic about their glory days as stars on the football field. You’ve officially taken the first step in your transformation into an awkward father.
Your Dance Moves Are Embarrassing
Step two, of course, is breaking out into terrible dances in public.
If your cool factor wasn’t already sinking at home, we’re sure your family was shaking their heads in humiliation once they saw you “whip” and “nae nae” on the Ellen DeGeneres Show.
No dad looks good on a dance floor (unless that dad happens to be Channing Tatum).
You Tell Bad Jokes
Beyond the awful dance moves and trying to convince your kids that you’re still as cool as you were in the Ocean’s Eleven movies, you also have a penchant for saying stupid stuff.
Every awkward dad has a bad habit of saying things he probably shouldn’t say at the absolute worst times, although most fathers don’t end up pissing off the entire Internet with their crappy ideas. They do, however, often tell bad jokes, which you tend to do as well.
Take, for example, this hilariously awful “salad tossing” joke you made to Matt Lauer on Today a few years back.
We’re sure your wife and kids will agree that your off-screen comedic skills have probably only gotten more awkward and dad-like with age.
But as you celebrate another wonderful year on this big blue planet, all that we ask, Matt, is that you accept your fate.
Accept that you are the best-looking awkward dad on the globe and just keep churning out Hollywood gold like Liam Neeson keeps making Taken sequels.