The FBI Pinky-Swears They’re Trying to Find Whitey

Much like our quest to find the earring we lost one drunken evening, the search is still on for James “Whitey” Bulger. The gangster, who’s been missing for 13 years, is still on the lam. And the FBI would like you to know they’re really looking for him. Seriously.

The agency has caught some flack for not being able to apprehend the fugitive in the past—largely because Whitey always seems to be sighted in some of the world’s best vacation spots. But the agents want us to know they’re serious about finding him.

The other FBI agent on the task force, who asked to be identified only by his first name, Doug, said it is difficult when agents try to interview someone who wants to talk about media reports or Internet blogs suggesting agents are sporting flip-flops and sunscreen as they scour the world’s vacation spots for Bulger.

“We’re not the bad guys,” said Doug[.] “I stand behind what I do. I recognize that this is a very important case, and I am humbled to be a part of it.”

The agency say their work is hard because the Bulger family won’t help them find Whitey, and also because he blends in really well.

Their files are brimming with photographs of elderly men, some whose resemblance to Bulger is so striking it took fingerprinting to rule them out.

Remain vigilant, Irish and German grandpas.