The Nanny, Going to Heaven, and Bloody Cheeks

So, how were the House Oversight Committee hearings for you? Dignified? Classy? Lest there be any doubt that Brian McNamee is a weaselly leech, disgusting sycophant, and terrible witness, the committee laid that out for all to see today.

OK, so why did Roger Clemens keep him around all these years?

“I’m a forgiving person,” he said.

“I’m sure you’re going to heaven,” answered his wonderfully disjointed questioner, Rep. Eleanor Holmes Norton.

Did we mention the nanny and the bloody pants? After the jump: the best, the worst and the ickiest from today’s circus on Capitol Hill.

Best Perry Mason-esque use of a surprise witness: Out of nowhere we were introduced to The Nanny, who apparently claims that the Clemens’ not only attended the infamous party at Jose Canseco’s house, they also spent the night. Wow! Which led to an awesome showdown between Committee Chair Henry Waxman and attorney Rusty Hardin.

As Jayson Stark pointed out on his blog: “We’d be stunned if the nanny doesn’t find her photo in the New York Post by Thursday morning at the latest.”

Worst Pander: We thought Dan Burton had the inside track on this one after his screed against McNamee, but William Lacy Clay made his move on the outside and closed in the stretch with his, “What uniform you’re going to wear in the Hall of Fame?” question.

Best use of alloted time: Congrats to John Tierney (Massachusetts’ own) who got McNamee to admit he lied about a number of things, and caused Clemens to forget which version of “I never talked to McNamee about HGH,” he was going with.

Ickiest line of questioning: The Bay State’s reps come through again. Stephen Lynch delved deeply into the “palpable mass” on Clemens’ ass (was it steroids, was is it B-12?), and then got ranking minority member Tom Davis to say he was giving new meaning to the term “lynching,” which seemed wildly inappropriate.

Runner-up to the ick: The bloody pants.

“Mr. Clemens do you recall bleeding through your pants?”

“I do not.”

Proof that Clemens is not real bright: His continued insistence that McNamee has a Ph.D (a highly dubious claim) and that his “degree” validated him as a trainer. Even though he had that rape thing in Florida in 2001. Even though he injected Debbie Clemens with HGH. Even though McNamee went to great lengths to profit off Roger’s name. Sorry. Not buying it.

Further proof: What’s a vegan? Clemens said he had never heard of the term. It’s what they call liberals down in Texas, Rog.

Best example of taking one for the team: Debbie Clemens. Huh. Wonder how that’s going to go over in the Clemens household.

Committee member we would least like to be deposed by: The gentleman from Maryland, Elijah Cummings.

“I hate to say that. You’re one of my heroes. But it’s hard to believe you.”

Best use of live audio: The ESPN radio microphone stayed on after the meetings were adjourned and we got to hear Clemens grumbling about how we was going to talk to Waxman because he didn’t appreciate some of the things he said in his closing remarks. Uh, Roger, that wasn’t the beat writer from the Patriot-Ledger.

The wrap: As Waxman pointed out in his opening remarks, somebody’s lying. Which one? McNamee may be a troll, but other witnesses have corroborated his testimony, especially Andy Pettitte who looks like a saint compared to the rest of this motley crew.

But there’s one other thing we can’t get past. Clemens claimed in his opening statement that “your body is your temple,” and that he would never have done HGH or steroids. So why would he hang out with a dubious character like McNamee, whose cough-cough Ph.D was from correspondence courses, when he had access to the best doctors and trainers in the world?

There will probably be charges which will all give us more time to revel in the greatness that is Rusty Hardin, but until then, we’d just like all of them to go away.