The Year Ahead for Whitey Bulger

1220451315One of our favorite annual rituals is to read the “Today’s Birthday” horoscope in the Herald. The paragraph-long forecast predicts what the year will bring for us, and even gives us the numbers we should play in the lottery.

Since our birthday only comes once a year, we like to read the horoscopes for our friends and associates. Or, in today’s case, for Boston’s most infamous fugitive, James “Whitey” Bulger. Let’s see what the 79-year-old felon can expect this year.

Instead of following conventional wisdom, you follow the wisdom of your heart and find a deep and resounding fulfillment. A new soul drifts into the picture this month — someone you will never tire of. Play your hunches in November. Your psychic powers increase as you act on them. Cancer and Leo adore you. Your lucky numbers are: 8, 10, 32, 4 and 18.

Uh-oh. Sounds like Catherine Grieg might be on her way out. (Perhaps for one of those white-haired German beauties who are sometimes mistaken for her?)

But the real loser in this forecast is the FBI. Whitey’s proven adept at eluding them for more than a decade. If his intuition is especially strong this year, taxpayers are going to be paying to send agents to Italy and the South of France without even a wrongly arrested Irish grandpa to show for it.

There is a ray of hope for the feds—FBI director Robert Mueller is a Leo. And the only way the agency’s head is going to adore Whitey is if his people finally manage to capture one of their most wanted fugitives. Sounds like the FBI is getting pretty serious about catching their man—later today, the agency will announce it’s doubling the reward for information that leads to Bulger’s capture.

Looks like we’ll have to check back next year and see if the stars revealed Whitey’s fate.

The Martyrdom of John Connolly