Donald Trump Upsets Hillary Clinton, Grabs Country by the Presidency

The end is nigh.


Photo via AP

Real estate mogul, former reality TV star, alleged serial sexual predator, one-time Wrestlemania entrant, and Republican nominee Donald Trump has defeated former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to secure the presidency in a shocking upset.

Both CNN and NBC News reported early Wednesday morning that Clinton called Trump to concede defeat.

Despite spending the final weeks of his unorthodox, bombastic campaign fending off a bevy of sexual assault allegations, calling into question the legitimacy of the “rigged election” at the hands of “global elites,” and bragging about suppressing the African American vote, Trump garnered 276 electoral votes while besting Clinton in several key battleground states, including Ohio, Florida, Pennsylvania, North Carolina, Iowa, and New Hampshire.

Trump, who made the jailing of his political opponent a central theme of his campaign, has not yet indicated when he would begin the criminal proceedings against Clinton, nor has he released his tax returns. He has, however, indicated that he will seek reelection in 2020.

Clinton did not appear at her campaign’s watch party at the Javits Center in New York City. Campaign director John Podesta, whose hacked emails published by WikiLeaks were a persistent thorn in Clinton’s side, declined to comment on the race until Wednesday.

Trump and his running mate, Indiana Gov. Mike Pence, who supports electrocuting homosexuals until they’re straight, will be inaugurated on January 20. President Barack Obama will be present on the dais to watch as his successor, endorsed by the Ku Klux Klan, assumes the highest office in the free world.

Good luck, folks.