Is There Anything Too Rude for Boston’s Nastiest Drivers?

Welcome to “The Salty Cod,” a monthly column in which humorist Steve Calechman grapples with uniquely New England dilemmas. 

Dear Salty Cod: Boston drivers are notorious jerks. We race through red lights and honk at people while stuck in gridlock. But are there any moves so bad that even the nastiest local motorist would say, “No. Unacceptable.”?

Surprisingly, yes, and the Cod has seen much on the roads: last-minute U-turns, backing up 75 feet, cutting over three lanes in one sweep. Often, it’s to snag a parking space, and most of the suspect behavior, language, and hand gestures stem from the local, inborn belief that every trip should take 10 minutes, and it would if you, the person in front of us, would just go.

But, but…but, like Robert B. Parker’s Spenser, there is a code of behavior on the streets—certain things that no Boston driver will ever accept and no “sorry-my-bad-don’t-hate-me” wave will ever excuse.

No. 1. Jamming up an intersection. There’s zero chance of getting to the other side, but you got the green, so it’s kosher? Uh-uh. Just because you can go doesn’t mean you should go, unless your hobby is creating clustereffs. But if you could only wait until the very last second to put on your left turn signal, that would be the bestest.

No. 2. Getting into your car in a crowded parking lot and not leaving the space immediately. Sure, go ahead and stare at your phone. Look for something in the back seat. Ignore our gentle honks. And when we’ve decided to give up and move on, that’s the moment to back out. Bravo, jackass.

No. 3. Double parking opposite someone who has double-parked. Really, you never glanced over once to your left, saw a big object with four wheels, and thought, “maybe not here”?

No. 4. Refusing to let drivers merge when their lane ends or when they’re trying to change lanes in heavy traffic. Oh, they didn’t use their signal? Well, then, go right ahead. You deserve to get nowhere first.

No. 5. Finally, not allowing someone to parallel park. Hey, I can tell you’re trying to back into that space in a controlled and reasonable manner. Guess what? I’m gonna get up on your tail and cockblock you. Or I’ll just drive past, staying really close, achieving the same goal but convincing myself that I’m not.

Getting rid of just these five things would be a good start—all it takes is focusing on what matters most. Oh, then make sure people turn right on red, like right now. It’s only been legal for 45 years.

Got a question for the Salty Cod? Send it to editor@bostonmagazine.com.

A version of this story appeared in the print edition of the June 2025 issue.