I Got 99 Resolutions But Weight Loss Ain’t One
1. InStyle UK wants to be a Victoria’s Secret model.
— InStyle (@instyle_UK) December 3, 2014
2. Nick Bilton, a columnist at the New York Times and the author of “Hatching Twitter,” is going to stop texting and walking.
— Nick Bilton (@nickbilton) December 24, 2014
3. The new U.S. Surgeon General, Brigham and Women’s physician, Vivek Murthy, wants you to quit smoking.
— U.S. Surgeon General (@Surgeon_General) December 23, 2014
4. Forbes wants you to be happier at work.
Your ready-made New Year’s resolution: Be happier at work. http://t.co/wsj0bWpaij
— Forbes (@Forbes) December 27, 2014
5. The American Heart Association wants you to check your blood pressure more.
— American Heart Assoc (@American_Heart) December 26, 2014
6. Typical Girl—which, folks, has 4.35 million followers—is looking for cheese.
new years resolution: get rich or cry tryin
— Typical Girl (@SoDamnTrue) December 27, 2014
7. Endurance athlete Neil Gottlieb says to set some goals for 2015 and then shut up about it.
— Neil Gottlieb (@Neil_Gottlieb) December 27, 2014
8. Maroon 5 lead singer, “Sexiest Man Alive” winner, Blake Sheldon BFF, and Victoria Secret model enthusiast, Adam Levine, is starting the War on Trolls.
My new years resolution is to address and combat the hideous way people treat each other via social media. Please, be kinder to each other.
— Adam Levine (@adamlevine) December 27, 2014
9. The Bearded Football Club is going to keep growing.
New Years resolution. Continue not shaving.
— Bearded FC (@BeardedFC) December 27, 2014
10. Linda Pizzuti Henry and John Lithgow say more Liverpool wins equals more Tweets.
— Linda Pizzuti Henry (@Linda_Pizzuti) December 26, 2014
11. Hubway wants you to get on a bike.
You forgot one person from your holiday shopping list: YOU! Make your Hubway membership your new year’s resolution! pic.twitter.com/0exhJizqQg
— Hubway (@Hubway) December 26, 2014
12. World Wildlife Fund wants you to say no to ivory.
— WWF (@WWF) December 26, 2014
13. Girl Code’s Tanisha Long is over all the BS.
My biggest #NewYearsResolution is to never let myself remain in a situation where I feel like I’m not be respected or valued.
— Tanisha Long (@tanishalong) December 27, 2014
14. John Burroughs, a conservationist and writer who died in 1921, had one ongoing resolution:
“One resolution I have made, and try always to keep, is this: To rise above the little things.” – John Burroughs #NewYearsResolution
— мεη σғ нιsтσяү (@MenOfHistory) December 27, 2014
15. Peta wants BCBG (and everyone else) to stop using/wearing/buying fur this New Year.
— PETA (@peta) December 27, 2014
16. The Surfrider Foundation is going to consume less plastic. Unless you are this mushroom, which actually eats plastic.
— Surfrider Foundation (@Surfrider) December 26, 2014
17. Portugal the Man can’t wait to get you home:
New Years Resolution: *Be More Like Shwayze
— Portugal The Man (@portugaltheman) December 26, 2014
18. Writer Ben Greenman is just not into resolutions.
For my New Year’s resolution, I’m going to resolve not to use the start of the year as an artificial site of self-improvement.
— Ben Greenman (@bengreenman) December 26, 2014
19. E! wants to dress like Taylor Swift.
— E! Online (@eonline) December 29, 2014
20. The U.S. EPA wants you to get health care coverage:
— U.S. EPA (@EPA) December 23, 2014
21. Chad Johnson, a.k.a. Ochocinco, is better at this video game than he was for the Pats.
Happy Holidays to all those who’ve failed at beating me in FIFA15 , hope your New Years resolution is to be better than last year…
— Chad Johnson (@ochocinco) December 24, 2014
22. Vine star Kyle David Hall is going vegan.
I just retweeted a great new years resolution for me. I’m going to attempt to become vegan ✌️
— Kyle David Hall (@KyleDavidHall) December 24, 2014
23. Journalist Garrett Quinn wants you to step away from the Retweet button.
This should be everyone’s 2015 resolution: pic.twitter.com/zVbjc5yEu0
— Garrett Quinn (@GarrettQuinn) December 24, 2014
24. British TV star Caroline Flack, who just won “Strictly Come Dancing,” England’s version of “Dancing with the Stars,” wants to learn how to sing Nessun Dorma.
My New Years resolution is to learn to sing nessun dorma….
— caroline flack (@carolineflack1) December 24, 2014
25. Hell on Heels Girl wants to bring back sayings from turn of the millennium Disney movies.
2015 New Year’s Resolution: bring the phrase “Zetus Lapetus!” back.
— Hell On Heels (@HellOnHeelsGirl) December 23, 2014
26. Fitness magazine wants you to love your body—as is.
— FITNESS Magazine (@FitnessMagazine) December 20, 2014
27. Jill Filipovic, an attorney and political writer at Cosmopolitan, objects to CandyCrush and Farmville.
2015 resolution: Unfriend everyone who asks me to play Farmville or CandyCrush.
— Jill Filipovic (@JillFilipovic) December 18, 2014
28. Governor-elect Charlie Baker wants to spend more time with his wife.
Charlie Baker’s 2015 resolution: “…at least 90 minutes of uninterrupted time when we’re both awake with my bride” http://t.co/I6kgty1QJH
— WGBH News (@wgbhnews) December 18, 2014
29. Travel and Leisure magazine wants you to take a dream trip.
— Travel + Leisure (@TravlandLeisure) December 12, 2014
30. MTV Pop wants to be the sixth member of Fifth Harmony.
— MTV Pop (@mtvpop) December 16, 2014
31. Geraldo Rivera is going to laugh more. Presumably, at his shirtless selfies.
— Fox News (@FoxNews) December 27, 2014
32. Boston’s Tweeter-about-town Michael Ratty wants to hang out with Sarah.
my only 2015 resolution is to hang out w/ @saraherib
— Ratty (@HeyRatty) December 28, 2014
33. He gets me:
2015 New Years resolution – stop saying “I’ll see you there” and never showing up.
— EIKNARF (@eiknarf) December 28, 2014
34. No resolution yet? Family Guy writer and producer Gary Janetti has a few ideas.
Are you taking suggestions for your New Year’s resolution? Because I have some thoughts.
— Gary Janetti (@GaryJanetti) December 28, 2014
35. TV and theater star Andy Mientus is specific.
New Years Resolution: be a 6’2″ scruffy natural ginger with a perfect body and a career in art direction and a loft and a Klee Kai and latte
— Andy Mientus (@andymientus) December 28, 2014
36. And if you don’t stop, then we won’t stop. Continuously to get money.
My New Years resolution is to further capitalize on my misery.
— Elisabeth Mandel (@elisabetherapy) December 28, 2014
37. Bette Midler says waste not, want not.
Let’s resolve to be less wasteful in the New Year. In fact, why do we even need a “new” year anyway? We’ve got a perfectly good old year!
— Bette Midler (@BetteMidler) December 27, 2014
38. ICYMI: “Friends” will be available for binge-watching on Netflix starting Jan. 1.
— Warner Bros Tours (@WarnerBrosTours) December 15, 2014
39. These guys need new writers.
Our #NewYearsResolution is to spend less time watching Netflix… Just kidding. What’s yours?
— HuffPostComedy (@HuffPostComedy) December 29, 2014
40. Donald Trump wants to make America great again. He then spent the next 30 minutes Retweeting everyone who asked him to run for President. #BecauseBillionaires
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) December 16, 2014
41. Wait, which is it?
I plan on being more patient and and cutting more stupid mutha fukas off. #ResolutionsFor2015
— Erica Diggs (@DiggsandCo) December 28, 2014
42. Saks says pink is the new black.
— Saks Fifth Avenue (@saks) December 17, 2014
43. Planned Parenthood is going to continue to fight for women’s rights.
— Planned Parenthood (@PPact) December 31, 2014
44. Drita Davanzo from VH1’s “Mob Wives” is going to stop cursing. Maybe.
#NewYearsResolution is to stop cursing. I try this every year and it lasts about an hour. If I past an hour…Ill let you know.
— Drita Davanzo (@DritaDavanzo) December 31, 2014
45. Swedish YouTube star, Felix Kjellberg, a.k.a. PewDiePie, is going to attempt to be less perfect. He does look rather dreamy.
#newyearsresolution become less perfect
— Felix Kjellberg (@pewdiepie) December 31, 2014
46. “Parks and Rec” is going to lay off the burgers.
— Parks and Recreation (@parksandrecnbc) December 31, 2014
47. The Wounded Warrior Project wants you to give back to our veterans.
— WoundedWarriorProj (@wwpinc) December 31, 2014
48. The National Zoo wants you to invest in reusable chopsticks.
— National Zoo (@NationalZoo) December 31, 2014
49. Professional boxer Carl Frampton has some lofty and not-so-lofty goals:
#NewYearsResolution Remain undefeated & cut my toenails more often
— Carl Frampton (@RealCFrampton) December 31, 2014
50. Well, duh.
— Coors Light Canada (@coorslightca) December 31, 2014
51. Paul Stanley of KISS fame decided to plug his book.
— Paul Stanley (@PaulStanleyLive) December 30, 2014
52. Local company, Plank Yoga Mats, wants to explore with more curiosity:
Our #NewYearsResolution resolution is to be curious about everything and make even the smallest, most mundane tasks feel crazy & fun! You?
— Plank (@PlankYogaMats) December 30, 2014
53. Karl Lagerfeld’s incredibly spoiled cat, Choupette, is not a fan of dogs. Or children. Or #people who use a lot of #hashtags on #social #media.
My #NewYearsResolution is to accept every1 for who they are (except dogs,mini humans -aka “children”- and people who use excessive hashtags)
— Choupette Lagerfeld (@ChoupettesDiary) December 29, 2014
54. This, 100 percent.
My New Years resolution is simply going to be remembering to write 2015 instead of 2014
— FAT AMY (@RelatableQuote) December 31, 2014
55. Burger King is not dieting. Obviously.
*thinks about giving up fries as a resolution* *eyes start tearing up* “I’ll never think about that again, fries, im sorry im sorry.”
— Burger King (@BurgerKing) December 31, 2014
56. Spread love.
A New Years resolution that brightens your life as well as others >
— BassCannonKaplan (@Avi_Kaplan) December 31, 2014
57. Josie Canseco, model and daughter of the notorious former Big Leaguer Jose, wants to be more like Kate Moss.
New Years resolution to be as bad as this killer right here pic.twitter.com/kHpith6OYU
— Josie Canseco (@JosieCanseco) December 31, 2014
58. I will never stop being annoyed at those people, but nice thought. #MBTA
My New Years resolution is to stop being inexplicably annoyed by people standing on the left side of an escalator. FFS I’m from Stockport
— Owen Jones (@OwenJones84) December 31, 2014
59. Good advice from Deepak Chopra:
Sharing the secret with all of you who want to know their true self this coming year : DO NOT TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY
— Deepak Chopra (@DeepakChopra) December 30, 2014
60. Facialist to the stars and organic skin care line creator, Tracie Martyn, says to do more charity (while also looking and feeling good, of course).
— Tracie Martyn (@TracieMartyn) December 31, 2014
61. Donnie Wahlberg says there’s even more in store for all you Blockheads.
BH's Worldwide! My New Years Resolution; To take what we've built, over the last 26 years, to the next level in 2015! This year- WE RIDE!
— Donnie Wahlberg (@DonnieWahlberg) December 31, 2014
62. Braden Graeber, writer and creator of Hipster Little Mermaid, wants to stop procrastinating.
My resolution this year is to stop procrastinating. Happy 2014!
— braden graeber (@hipstermermaid) December 31, 2014
New Years Resolution ,only people with love and joy will be in my life,I refuse to engage with confrontational or negative people brother HH
— Hulk Hogan (@HulkHogan) December 31, 2014
64. “Saturday Night Live” cast member Aidy Bryant will do what she wants.
My New Years resolution is TO DO WHATEVER I GOD DAMNED PLEASE AS IT HAS BEEN FOR THE PAST 27 YEARS.
— Aidy Bryant (@aidybryant) December 31, 2014
65. The Lancet journal says to get a memory screening.
— The Lancet (@TheLancet) December 31, 2014
66. Jim Lahey is going to keep on keeping on:
My resolution is to make 2015 my drunkest year ever.
— Jim Lahey (@Mr_Lahey_) December 31, 2014
67. Jenny Slate says that you don’t want to be her.
— jenny slate (@jennyslate) December 31, 2014
68. Teen Vogue will be watching a lot of Disney Channel in 2015.
— Teen Vogue (@TeenVogue) December 31, 2014
69. Emily Nussbaum, TV critic for The New Yorker, is going to watch more TV, if that’s possible.
My New Years resolution is to watch more TV.
— emilynussbaum (@emilynussbaum) December 31, 2014
70. Joss Whedon needs some R&R:
2015 is the year I take a break. This is not a resolution. It's a desperate plea to my own psyche.
— Joss Whedon (@josswhedon) January 1, 2015
71. Congresswoman Fudge from Ohio wants people to have more educational opportunities.
2015 is almost here! My #NewYearsResolution is to work to ensure more educational opportunities for the people of my district. What's yours?
— Marcia L. Fudge (@RepMarciaFudge) December 29, 2014
72. You can’t mess with the Contra Code.
2015 RESOLUTIONS - Go up - Go up - Go down - Go down - Go left - Go right - Go left - Go right - Push b - Push a - Push start - Die 30 times
— Brian Altano (@agentbizzle) December 31, 2014
Have had virtually no Internet access today. Upon reflection, my New Year's resolution is to never let this happen again.
— Chris Sacca (@sacca) December 31, 2014
74. If trolls are ruining your Twitter experience, the executive editor of Vox says to use the block feature more.
Your New Year’s resolution should be to use the block function on Twitter more aggressively.
— Matt Yglesias (@mattyglesias) December 31, 2014
75. Someone please hold this guy to this:
New Years Resolution is to do the ice bucket challenge every single day
— Michael Tiberi (@MichaelJTiberi) December 31, 2014
76. Quit texting and driving.
— It Can Wait (@ItCanWait) December 31, 2014
77. Riff Raff wants to gain 40 pounds.
MY NEW YEARS RESOLUTiON iS TO GAiN 40 POUNDS
— JODY HiGHROLLER (@JODYHiGHROLLER) December 31, 2014
78. B.J. Novak has Kanye on the brain.
Everyone's resolution is either to be more like Kanye or less like Kanye
— B.J. Novak (@bjnovak) January 1, 2015
79. Well played, Clorox. Cosign.
The struggle is real. pic.twitter.com/UDcuNigjqk
— Clorox (@Clorox) December 31, 2014
80. Someone else please tell me they do not understand this either.
My New Years resolution? Less murder, more cardio.
— Simon Rex/Dirt Nasty (@DirtNasty) December 31, 2014
81. You actin’ kinda shady, ain’t callin’ me baby. Better say my name.
New Years resolutions. 1. Buy more horses 2. Stop being so nice. 3. Win at everything. 4. Make the Internet say my name 5. Hair transplant
— David Portnoy (@stoolpresidente) December 31, 2014
82. Kevin O’Leary, a.k.a. Mr. Wonderful, wants you to to find financial freedom this year:
— Kevin O'Leary (@kevinolearytv) December 31, 2014
83. Real Simple magazine is going to drink more red wine.
— Real Simple Magazine (@RealSimple) December 31, 2014
84. Hey Ally, there are other nutritious greens to try, no force-feeding required.
— Josh Brogadir (@joshbNECN) January 1, 2015
85. Producer Walter Biscardi says to take a risk in 2015:
— walter biscardi (@walterbiscardi) January 1, 2015
86. What kind of carbs do they serve in prison? #priorities
Or maybe stop doing illegal stuff RT @usweekly: VIDEO: Teresa Giudice vows to “stop eating bad carbs” before she starts her prison sentence
— Sarah Colonna (@sarahcolonna) December 30, 2014
87. Comedy Central’s got jokes.
Damn girl, did you already break your New Years resolution? Because you're smokin'.
— Comedy Central (@ComedyCentral) January 1, 2015
88. YouTube star Tyler Oakley is thinking ahead.
Need a new years resolution? Consider this: someday, time travel might be a thing. Make 2015 the year you'll want to travel back to.
— Tyler Oakley (@tyleroakley) January 1, 2015
89. Sarah Dussault, a.k.a. Sarah Fit, is making goals, not resolutions.
Ok. I have zero resolutions for 2015 but two goals. One is to run the Boston Marathon faster than Chicago. The… http://t.co/7kRxU46QtT
— Sarah Fit (@SarahDussault) December 30, 2014
90. UFC Fighter Tim Kennedy knows that lifestyle changes take time.
If you did make a #NewYearsResolution to live a healthier life. Know that is a lifestyle change. It doesn't happen overnight. Stick with it.
— Tim Kennedy (@TimKennedyMMA) January 1, 2015
91. Richard Branson is going to make more li$t$.
— Richard Branson (@richardbranson) January 1, 2015
92. Chris Brown made a positive resolution to stop smoking cigarettes, which will be great for his
autotuned singing voice.
Supper club right now!!!! #NewYearsResolution stop smoking cigarettes
— Chris Brown (@chrisbrown) January 1, 2015
93. USDA Food safety wants you to buy a food thermometer.
— USDA Food Safety (@USDAFoodSafety) January 1, 2015
94. HowStuffWorks says to tip more generously.
— HowStuffWorks (@HowStuffWorks) January 1, 2015
95. I wish David Chang’s resolution was to bring a Momofuku to Boston.
My New Years Resolution: start smoking two packs a day & drop all my “L's” into “R's” > delicious is now dericious. Happy new year everyone
— Dave Chang (@davidchang) January 1, 2015
96. Hurley wants you to live the salt life.
Too high tide. Too windy. Too small. Too bad. Make it your resolution to get in the water more this year. pic.twitter.com/vKKZxDRyiJ
— Hurley (@hurley) January 1, 2015
97. Even Darth Vadar is going positive in 2015.
My New Years resolution is to stop worrying about the droids I'm looking for, and start appreciating the droids I have.
— Darth Vader (@DepressedDarth) January 1, 2015
98. No, MORE Tweets please.
2015 resolution: Never Tweet
— Wesley Lowery (@WesleyLowery) January 1, 2015
99. Peace out, 2014. Gold star.
— Professor Snape (@_Snape_) December 26, 2014