Lethal Pigeons Revisited

Alan Lupo’s column in the Herald today reminded me that I haven’t heard back from City Hall on my proposed pigeon eradication project, which I laid out last week in this space, after scientists discovered that the acid in pigeon dung may have contributed to the fatal bridge collapse in Minneapolis. My idea was to follow Hollywood’s lead and implement a program of humane pigeon contraception to keep the filthy birds from collapsing any bridges or buildings around here.

Since I didn’t hear back from the mayor’s office, I turned to City Councilor John Tobin, who, along with Councilor Rob Consalvo, is responsible for drumming up most of the interesting, offbeat ideas in the council.

“Oh my God,” Tobin said when apprised of the situation. “If that’s what happened in Minneapolis, City Hall’s gonna fall down in about ten seconds!”

Asked whether he would look into getting us some of the contraceptive, OvoControlB, in Boston, Tobin said, “I promise I will commit to that.” He added that he may have to work with his “pigeon consultant”, former North End councilor Paul Scapicchio, who had his own well-publicized run-in with the flying rats in 2003.

“It’s a public safety issue,” Tobin reasoned. “They are the dirtiest, filthiest animals. Pigeons and squirrels. I hope there’s a contraceptive for squirrels too, something to, you know, cover their nuts. Squirrels scare the crap out of me.”

You heard the man, squirrels. You’re next.