Here’s a Little Story We Got to Tell About Two Police Reports We Like so Well

As devout lovers of schadenfreude, we firmly believe that the police reports are required reading. Whether an (alleged) prostitute is wedging herself into a dryer or someone is (reportedly) taking a steamroller on a spin through Allston, these displays of human idiocy are even better than reality TV.

1218043667Typically, the police reports have one shining example of bad behavior, followed by some routine bike thefts and drug arrests. So we’d like to take the time to salute the fine men and/or women responsible for today’s report, which features two hilarious anecdotes.

Dorchester’s Kevin Crowe allegedly took a cue from the Beastie Boys and did it like this, did it like that, and hit a 7-Eleven clerk with a Whiffle Ball bat.

[O]fficers observed an individual standing outside the store with a yellow whiffle bat in his hand and detained him while they spoke to the victim. Officers then spoke to the victim who told them that the suspect came in the store, purchased a drink and a whiffle baseball bat, paid for it and then struck him on the head with the bat. The victim reported that when the suspect saw him calling the police he said to him, “I’m trying to be your friend, what’s wrong?”

Probably the “small bump” that appeared on the victim’s head after the alleged assault.

But maybe Mr. Crowe would find a friend in Tomarr Sanders, who was calling for his mother after being arrested for operating under the influence.

After being prompted several times and told how to perform the [sobriety] tests, the suspect exclaimed to officers, “F*#! it! Just lock me up!”. . . At the station, the suspect was belligerent and berated officers with insults. After being subjected to further testing at the station, the suspect demanded of officers, “Get my mother!”

Come on, dude. Even the kids who get arrested for partying underage in Allston manage to keep from calling for their mommies until they’re out of police custody.