Desperately Seeking a Lackey

Craigslist isn’t just for selling junk and trolling for casual encounters. You can also find a job. It seems one local columnist is attempting to become more productive by hiring an assistant.

But who? We’ll pick apart the help-wanted ad and narrow down the possibilities after the jump.

Writer’s assistant (South End / Boston)

I am a writer. I write a weekly column for a local newspaper. In addition, I am researching a non-fiction book, and may also be writing a play.

OK, so it’s probably one of two employers, because I am pretty sure columnists from the Dig and Phoenix, or any other weekly publication, aren’t generally able to afford an assistant.

I am in need of a part-time assistant to work with me, during the week.

Much like the vestigial tail or the Insane Clown Posse, that comma has no reason for being.

You will need to commit to 2-3 hours per day, four or five days a week – 10-12 hours per week.

Well, that’s a whole lot of options. Very laissez-faire. This may count out anyone at the Herald.

Responsibilities will include being a sounding board for my ideas – to keep track of them, to write them down, to help turn thoughts and all the bits and pieces into a narrative.

This way, I get to walk around the office like a conductor, waving my hands in an important way and gesticulating wildly while you type my ideas into the “magic buzzing box.”

You will need to work in my office, at least at first. As time goes on, we might be able to arrange for some of the work to be done virtually.

This will likely be the assistant’s proposal, and will no doubt come soon after the columnist’s second suggestion of “No Pants Fridays.”

Obviously, you’d need a computer with access to the Internet, to do so.

See above re: comma #1. The copy desk is outside right now, chain-smoking and bitching about you.

While in my office, there may be times that I’m not writing or busy doing other jobs. During these times, you can surf the ‘net or do whatever you’d like. It will be pretty casual.

The use of ‘net’ is totally creepy treehouse. This puts said columnist at well over 40. And possibly in a bow tie.

My goal is to become more productive. Your goal should be to have fun and enjoy yourself while doing work that will be interesting and challenging.

If I have someone coming to my house everyday, at least it will force me to stop spending my afternoons watching a succession of hard-nosed TV judges mete out justice to the indignant and fame-hungry underclass.

You should be bright, be easy-going, have a relaxed attitude, but be committed to the job. You should be a good typist. (Typer?)

Word guessing counts out Jan Freeman. And this insistence on relaxation and calmness—is there a local columnist that covers waterfalls and the incense market? Anyone do a gushing review of herbal bath salts recently?

You will be paid as an independent contractor (meaning, you pay your income taxes, yourself).

See above re: comma #2. Seriously, stop that. Cigarette prices are rising, and the copy desk has kids.

Compensation: $10-$12 to start; up to $15 eventually

So let’s get this straight: You want to pay someone a little more than $100/week to bounce ideas off you and help you craft a narrative? Sounds like you just need a good bartender.

So, a 40-something columnist at the Globe or Herald is looking for an assistant. They are possibly a playwright, probably wearing a bow tie, and definitely into Enya.

Make your guesses in the comments.

—DAN MORRELL