Overparenting Archetypes
All-Organic Mom
Kombuchus maternae
Illustration by Larry Ruppert.
No synthetic fabric, disposable diapers, or conventional produce may touch this woman’s kids. Suffers late-night internal debates over vaccinations, fluoridated tap water, and whether bug repellent is riskier than West Nile virus.
Kumbaya Dad
Paternus catatonyx
Illustration by Larry Ruppert.
Never raises his voice; prefers ‘talking things out’ with his offspring. Cites character development as motivation for allowing child to scream in restaurants and knock down store displays. Chases Xanax with matcha tea; often mistaken for a cult member.
TMI Mom
Sally jessy raphaele
Illustration by Larry Ruppert.
Shares every emotion, feeling, and thought with her children and demands the same in return. Texts her progeny constantly throughout the day, and monitors their whereabouts via GPS. Typically found in a “My Best Friend” T-shirt with arrow pointing at her kid.
Varsity Dad
Testosterus sportivum
Illustration by Larry Ruppert.
Relives his long-gone (or non-existent) high school glory days through his child (often referred to as “Junior” or “Sport”). Prone to outbursts on the Pee Wee soccer sidelines. Sees a mouthguard as an appropriate first birthday present.
Type A+ Mom
Pianus lessus
Illustration by Larry Ruppert.
Sees every activity as an opportunity to bolster future college applications. Believes that high-pressure scenarios like the chess team or math league will provide an eventual edge on the LSAT. Thinks the Tiger Mom is a pushover, and carries flash cards at all times.
The iParent
Applus technologus
Illustration by Larry Ruppert.
Employs a Flip camera, Skype Mobile, Facebook, and an iPhone to keep distant relatives and acquaintances abreast of developmental milestones. Relies on electronics to soothe children in the grocery store and in the car. Tweets the contents of each diaper.